A timeless piece from the archives of found-media. Among the first of a slew of drafts from a forgotten time, the piece is still debated about to this day, ranging from all speculation as "Renaissance bulletin" to "synopsis from the future" and even a "practical point of confusion." similar articles have been discovered, some with dates and times on them leading to suggestions of correlations, inspirations or homages with the below document. While certainly not the most informative, it has been referenced the most important, some sumbissions of it single-handedly instigating the entire field of crypto-anthro-linguistics amd archae-literature; say what you will.
>The following took place between 9:41 PM on July 6, 4,278,090 BC and 7:53 AM on October 25, 10,134 AD:
Two masses of rock nearing the temperature of sublimation split apart forming a chasm the size of the Atlantic Ocean.
A woman in Utica, New York ran frantically through a densely wooded park searching for her son, only to find him asleep on a park bench, his shoes untied.
Nitric acid rained down on the remains of the Fourth World Order.
A frigatebird soaring through the air above Ascension Island at 90 miles per hour gravely misjudged its distance from the edge of a seaside cliff and collided with a protruding rock formation, killing it instantly.
Having grown to love his imperfections, Ada Meriweather suggested to her husband Jeb that they renew their wedding vows. He dismissed the idea as 'excessive' and pointed out that they had been married only two weeks prior.
The Golden Record carried on Voyager I went unseen for twelve hundred years, only to be destroyed when the spacecraft itself was annihilated by an asteroid.
An unmarried Japanese businessman ate a sushi dinner for the sixth day in a row and sighed having completed it. That night he dreamt his body sank to the bottom of the ocean.
The SETI program was discontinued due to a lack of funding. Three weeks later, an extremely low frequency radio signal originating from the constellation Orion and containing a simple, concise message of salutation passed over Earth. No one took notice. The planet the signal originated from had long since been destroyed.
A giant squid (Architeuthis dux) became entangled in a coral reef formation off the coast of New Zealand for six minutes. In freeing itself, it lost a tentacle.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 214.92 points.
The third son of the second man on Earth began a nine day journey through the African wilderness, only to die on the tenth day from an infected wound he suffered on the sixth.
A man inserted a screwdriver into the right ear of his youngest brother with forty-five pounds of force and smiled as the blood spewed forth. Eight minutes later, when the body finally lay lifeless on the ground, he walked to his kitchen, ate a McIntosh apple, did twenty pushups, stuck a shotgun in his mouth, and pulled the trigger.
A supernova in the Trifid Nebula, located in the constellation Sagittarius, obliterated nine hundred planets, two of which fostered microbial life.
Eleven days before her seventh birthday, Cleopatra realized that her body was different from her brother's. Four years later she realized that because of this difference, men would find her attractive.
A man in Istanbul slipped while descending a staircase and bounced all the way to the bottom. His cousin saw the entire accident and laughed for four straight minutes (and then sporadically for the rest of the night).
Molten lava burst forth from a relatively small volcano south of the equator, sending flaming hot particles of liquid metal into the hydrogenous air.
The six-year-old daughter of an Inuit doctor skinned her right knee twice in one day, but having cried the first time, she laughed the second. She had her first child twenty-three years later.
An amoeba that would have grown into the first multi-celled organism on Earth was destroyed instantly when lightning struck 2.3 millimeters from it.
Nuclear winter befell three entire continents more than once.
A glacier fourteen thousand miles long shifted thirty inches southeast, only to melt and fall into the sea eight hundred years later.